...Where We Are Headed...

Here I Am...

2010-09-13T22:15:00.002-05:00

Wow. It's almost been a year since I last wrote. I need to write more. I just get embarrassed.

I have a tendency to fall in love with unavailable women. And the less I know about them, the better. Loves come in go in my life, and those of you that know me best know that previous statement to be absolutely true. I'm only doing what the rest of us single persons are doing; constantly playing the field. Searching for the ideal, one interest at a time. I don't feel bad about it at all. Just gets tiring. Going from one to the other, gaining interest and losing it, being afraid to get to close or not doing enough to get closer.

And then one comes along, and it's nice. And easy. Smiles, and yes, butterflies make their way into my life. Longing. Yearning. Listening to a song that reminds me of her over and over. Wanting to give her tokens of appreciation. Finding out more and more when we talk that we have so many little things in common. And also finding that, years ago, we once saw each other in passing. But she's taken.

And I know better. But for some reason it feels good right now. I haven't had these "butterflies" in quite some time. I think I'm just going to allow myself to relish in this feeling right now, whatever the outcome. Even if I end up feeling a little shitty later in the long run, I'm gonna let myself fall into this silly, un-returned love just for the hell of it. Just to feel love again. Is that so wrong?

I won't cross the line, though. Been through that kind of stuff too much recently. Not fun. Horrible pain. Oh but we know better, we can't go messing around. Because if we did, your feet would lose ground.

It's just fun right now, having this little secret love. I just have to go forth carefully, and not fuck it up for them. They seem happy. With the wounds from my recent experiences still not quite healed, I won't interfere.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Casuality

2009-11-04T00:37:00.002-06:00

I'm very happy with the freedoms I have lately. I realized the other day that I'm a lot more stress free than I was a little over 7 months ago. I have no one to answer to but myself. I don't have to figure out what someone else wants for lunch/dinner, nor do I have to wait until they wake up in the afternoon to eat lunch (in fear that they'll be mad that I went ahead and did so). I don't have to tell anyone what my plans are for the evening. I don't have to wait up until 6 am for someone to get home so I know they're ok. I wake up when I want. I go to bed when I want. I eat when I want. I eat what I want. I do whatever I wanna do in my free time, and don't have to feel bad about playing video games for hours on end, or going to the bar and staying there too late or too little. I can hang out with girls (yes, girls! even just the ones I've been friends with for years) without feeling guilty, even when there's no reason to feel guilty.

I don't miss the occasional fights. I don't miss not being able to sleep. I don't miss the constant bombardment of phone calls or texts. I don't miss deciding on what movie to watch, or what restaurant to go to.

God damn, this is what I needed. To be fucking free of all strings other than my own. Not that I really minded all those things before; it was well worth it (before the dark times...before the "Empire")...fucking lame ass Star Wars reference.

I admit, however, there are things I do miss. But mentioning them will only serve to bring me down.

Don't get me wrong; it gets lonely. But every time I think about that dreadful "R" word (relationship), I cowl in disgust and apprehension. It's not something I want, need, or should even consider right now. If it comes along and it feels right, I'll let it. But I won't force it, look for it, nor will I invite it until this personal freedom gets downright depressing and/or unfulfilling. Or until I feel like something "more" in my life sounds...well...arousing.

Fuck! Feels great to be single.

Halloween

2009-10-31T19:17:00.005-05:00

Dear God, please forgive me for missing her tonight...

It's almost been a year. My mother called it; she is always right. Shit will hit you again when it reaches a year.

Oh well. Won't stand in my way of having a Happy Halloween.

Honesty

2009-10-26T00:33:00.006-05:00

Today was a day of thought about many subjects. Every week, after an exhausting, yet entertaining, Friday and Saturday filled with work followed by immediate drinking, I use Sunday as the day to reflect on life, myself, friends, relationships, society, politics, etc etc. And as a result, since I do currently live alone, I oftentimes find myself needing an outlet for the things I think about. This blog is the result of that need.

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Honesty

This is something that has been troubling me lately. It is something that I am constantly battling. How much should I censor myself to others? Should I be completely honest all the time, or should I keep erect a wall between my brain and my mouth? Or perhaps the battle is what is keeping me in check.

Don't get me wrong, I have made some great strides. For those that do not know me, about 7 or 8 months ago I went through a heart-shattering break-up that shook the very foundation of my life. In that same month, the rock band that I'd been leading and working hard to get "out there" disbanded due to problems with the other members. So two very very important things in my life that I had worked so hard at and put so much energy into were ripped away from me. Thus far it has been a long journey to feel like "myself" again, and to be honest, in those few months I have also gone through many changes. Once completely satisfied with my life to the point where I had almost consciously stopped trying to grow as an individual, I now find myself searching my soul on a daily basis and analyzing myself constantly in order to fix certain flaws.

I've basically woken up. Despite all the heartache I went through, it feels great.

So, back to my point. Being honest with myself and others. People are saying that I've become more confident, and in turn I have been a great deal more honest with others. But there are individual situations with certain people that I know I hide my true feelings from. Perhaps this is a self-defense mechanism that has arisen due to my issues with trusting someone (a result of the breakup). There are certain friends I find myself not being able to trust, and as a result cannot share my true feelings with.

For example, it has even come to affect my Myspace blogs, as I wonder what these certain people will think of me after reading my blog. Therefore, I end up editing them for those people, taking out anything I think might embarrass me or reveal too much about myself. This is self-censorship, and I loathe it. It is very possible that because I do this, I am not allowing relationships with these people to grow. They can't see the real me because of it.

I know that it's idiotic to do so, but is quite possibly something we all go through. Putting your soul on display for all to see can be a frightening thing. As both an artist and musician, I know this all too well. Last week, watching the Jerry Seinfeld documentary Comedian, I saw too that the funny man I always thought was so sure of his trade goes through the same self-doubt every time he gets up on stage. So I know I'm not crazy; it's a normal thing for anyone who stands up publicly for all to judge. This same thing applies to when you are bearing yourself to both close friends and new acquaintances alike.

This has also caused me to be reluctant in sharing my political and religious views with others, especially on social networking sites. I have recently added friends on Facebook from my church-going days, including my aunt and uncle, who I haven't socialized with in a long time. I now have very radically different views on both religion and politics than I did back when they knew me. I stop myself from posting links, videos, or anything else that might make them...erm...judge me...or feel alienated from them. Being a liberal democrat that supports Barrack Obama, socialized medicine, withdrawal from Iraq, etc, I fear that they (mainly right wing conservatives...I live in Mississippi after all) will not want to socialize with me because of differing views. Also, the fact that I now consider myself to be an Agnostic Theist really doesn't help.

I know better. I was a teenager when I went to church, still in high school. And most of these people I went to church with were 10-15 years older than me. I was taught that their respect was something I needed and should maintain in order to be in good standing with the church. And now, 10 years later and not having stepped foot in the church since I left, I'm an adult. I have the freedom to think for myself, to live how I chose, to be who I want to be. I shouldn't let their views get in the way of celebrating mine. Besides, if I don't profess my religious and political views to those that don't share the same beliefs, I reach no one. I influence no one. It stops me from allowing someone searching for answers to find any with my help. And that, my friends, would be a waste.

So from now on, I stop hiding. I do not wish to even begin to force my opinions on others; that is one of the reasons I stopped going to church in the first place. But letting my views be known, and standing up for what I believe, is something I must do in order to even begin to make any kind of difference in this world, despite how minuscule any impact I may have may be.

One of my goals with writing this blog is to be as honest as possible, and not be afraid of what others may say as a result of reading. I have to be true to myself at all times, dammit, or I will limit my growth and perhaps hinder myself from reaching my true potential and affecting others in a positive way.